Fuck

I've fucked myself. The class that im failing this quarter and need to take next quarter only has 50 slots open. Guess what? My registration time is March 2nd. Basically, Those 50 slots are going to be filled, and i'll be at the mercy of the waitlist. Holy fuck me this isn't good.

I've fucked up. Instead of getting over it and trying to do well now though, im wallowing in depression and self pity. I just don't know what to do.

wait wait wait. the next test for this class im doing horribly in is this friday. that's 2 days. I mean, i guess i could study, and try and get a decent score, maybe try and end up with a C in the course. Im going to do some grade calculations. brb. yeah nevermind i am fucked. THis is all hitting me like a fucking brick.. Im done for.Well honestly, not really. But my grades are down the shithole. Im thinking that Im gonna have to just retake this psych class, get the better grade, maybe salvage my GPA a little and transfer or something. I don't know, but i am so fucking shitted. You know what? I did it to myself.

I made this blog private prior to writing this, because honestly? Im sure theres so many sob stories just like this. So many people that are just depressed and want to end it. I want to end my life for a different reason. I just dont want to do this shit anymore. I have NO motivation.

Friends? I just let them down anyways, and stop talking to them.

Girls? I'm not even that interested in them. When i talk to a girl, my mind goes " oh hey a girl, shes cute AND talking to you, you share some interests, shes perfect". But then its just my mind that gets kinda obsessed with the idea, hen i stop caring. I don't want a girlfriend because i would probably just make things awkward.

Money? I do want money, but that's only because i dont want to worry about meaningless shit. I dont want a family, I don't want any of that. The only thing that i do want is to have a job that isnt just looked down upon. I don't want to be that 35 year old manager that coworkers look at and just think "Wow, no life". I DO care about what other people think, but it's just not as big a motivator to get me through all of this bullshit.

Fame? Hell no i don't care about that.
Helping other people? While i do kind of want to help other people, its not that much.
Learning new things? While i admit i do kind if like learning, i usually A.D.D out of it when im not very far into it.

Im not good at manual labor, Im not good at math. You know what I am good at? remembering stuff. Im good at all the intro classses, but once they get in depth and start using theory and the like, i suck at it. You know what i would be good at? Community college. I should transfer there, then transfer out. Wouldnt that be something? That would almost be exactly what my sister did.

Forensics actually seems like a really exciting field. I dont know maybe i should look into it. ...Gotta go to my lab ill write about this later