I just started watching this show and it is truly funny. i should really open my mind to new things more, i almost didnt watch it.
also i really need to get started on some work. fuuu.
February 28, 2009
February 25, 2009
How long has it been?
Since i have done something truly productive? I honestly don't know. Could be weeks. I should get started but i reaaaalllyy dont wanna. THink ill play some condition zero, maybe ill get some inspoiration to get to work.
Fuck
I've fucked myself. The class that im failing this quarter and need to take next quarter only has 50 slots open. Guess what? My registration time is March 2nd. Basically, Those 50 slots are going to be filled, and i'll be at the mercy of the waitlist. Holy fuck me this isn't good.
I've fucked up. Instead of getting over it and trying to do well now though, im wallowing in depression and self pity. I just don't know what to do.
wait wait wait. the next test for this class im doing horribly in is this friday. that's 2 days. I mean, i guess i could study, and try and get a decent score, maybe try and end up with a C in the course. Im going to do some grade calculations. brb. yeah nevermind i am fucked. THis is all hitting me like a fucking brick.. Im done for.Well honestly, not really. But my grades are down the shithole. Im thinking that Im gonna have to just retake this psych class, get the better grade, maybe salvage my GPA a little and transfer or something. I don't know, but i am so fucking shitted. You know what? I did it to myself.
I made this blog private prior to writing this, because honestly? Im sure theres so many sob stories just like this. So many people that are just depressed and want to end it. I want to end my life for a different reason. I just dont want to do this shit anymore. I have NO motivation.
Friends? I just let them down anyways, and stop talking to them.
Girls? I'm not even that interested in them. When i talk to a girl, my mind goes " oh hey a girl, shes cute AND talking to you, you share some interests, shes perfect". But then its just my mind that gets kinda obsessed with the idea, hen i stop caring. I don't want a girlfriend because i would probably just make things awkward.
Money? I do want money, but that's only because i dont want to worry about meaningless shit. I dont want a family, I don't want any of that. The only thing that i do want is to have a job that isnt just looked down upon. I don't want to be that 35 year old manager that coworkers look at and just think "Wow, no life". I DO care about what other people think, but it's just not as big a motivator to get me through all of this bullshit.
Fame? Hell no i don't care about that.
Helping other people? While i do kind of want to help other people, its not that much.
Learning new things? While i admit i do kind if like learning, i usually A.D.D out of it when im not very far into it.
Im not good at manual labor, Im not good at math. You know what I am good at? remembering stuff. Im good at all the intro classses, but once they get in depth and start using theory and the like, i suck at it. You know what i would be good at? Community college. I should transfer there, then transfer out. Wouldnt that be something? That would almost be exactly what my sister did.
Forensics actually seems like a really exciting field. I dont know maybe i should look into it. ...Gotta go to my lab ill write about this later
I've fucked up. Instead of getting over it and trying to do well now though, im wallowing in depression and self pity. I just don't know what to do.
wait wait wait. the next test for this class im doing horribly in is this friday. that's 2 days. I mean, i guess i could study, and try and get a decent score, maybe try and end up with a C in the course. Im going to do some grade calculations. brb. yeah nevermind i am fucked. THis is all hitting me like a fucking brick.. Im done for.Well honestly, not really. But my grades are down the shithole. Im thinking that Im gonna have to just retake this psych class, get the better grade, maybe salvage my GPA a little and transfer or something. I don't know, but i am so fucking shitted. You know what? I did it to myself.
I made this blog private prior to writing this, because honestly? Im sure theres so many sob stories just like this. So many people that are just depressed and want to end it. I want to end my life for a different reason. I just dont want to do this shit anymore. I have NO motivation.
Friends? I just let them down anyways, and stop talking to them.
Girls? I'm not even that interested in them. When i talk to a girl, my mind goes " oh hey a girl, shes cute AND talking to you, you share some interests, shes perfect". But then its just my mind that gets kinda obsessed with the idea, hen i stop caring. I don't want a girlfriend because i would probably just make things awkward.
Money? I do want money, but that's only because i dont want to worry about meaningless shit. I dont want a family, I don't want any of that. The only thing that i do want is to have a job that isnt just looked down upon. I don't want to be that 35 year old manager that coworkers look at and just think "Wow, no life". I DO care about what other people think, but it's just not as big a motivator to get me through all of this bullshit.
Fame? Hell no i don't care about that.
Helping other people? While i do kind of want to help other people, its not that much.
Learning new things? While i admit i do kind if like learning, i usually A.D.D out of it when im not very far into it.
Im not good at manual labor, Im not good at math. You know what I am good at? remembering stuff. Im good at all the intro classses, but once they get in depth and start using theory and the like, i suck at it. You know what i would be good at? Community college. I should transfer there, then transfer out. Wouldnt that be something? That would almost be exactly what my sister did.
Forensics actually seems like a really exciting field. I dont know maybe i should look into it. ...Gotta go to my lab ill write about this later
Lent
So today is the first day of lent. To cut down a few lines, I found this out through Reddit. Yeah, while my maternal grandmother is a huge catholic, it was a website that reminded me of this occasion. Actually I'll talk about this later but my Grandma.. actually yeah she deserves her own post this is a reminder to my future self.
Anyways neither me nor my family is very religious, but this is the season where people who aren't religious notice the resolve of the religious ones who are giving something away and, in seeing this, attempt to abstain from something of their own for forty days. First of all I think it's pretty presumptuous that we think by giving up chocolate or masturbation that we're holding ourselves closer to a man who supposedly went through trials given by satan himself, or something like that i never did my first communion ( something i have to touch up on in that post). That fight with my friend, if you can call it that, did give me something to think about. Yeah, maybe it's my mood in the morning but w/e. It's most probably the riddlin that i took which makes me want to change (another post). Enough of this, since I didn't know about Lent until waking up, and I jacked it before going to sleep at 1:00am, here are the options of things I can do that I haven't absolved in just yet.
Well? Im going to do the same. To try and help me this will be the thing I am " giving up". But to also give a sense of giving something up I'll give up another random site, (After realizing i spent abnormal amounts of time on a previous site I autobanned myself for a month).(about 10 minutes of me thinking have just passed) Alright even though i already went to reddit today, and subsequently learned lent was today, that's what I'm going to giveup in lieu of that's where I waste a lot of my time and my Lent is to help me out.
Anyways neither me nor my family is very religious, but this is the season where people who aren't religious notice the resolve of the religious ones who are giving something away and, in seeing this, attempt to abstain from something of their own for forty days. First of all I think it's pretty presumptuous that we think by giving up chocolate or masturbation that we're holding ourselves closer to a man who supposedly went through trials given by satan himself, or something like that i never did my first communion ( something i have to touch up on in that post). That fight with my friend, if you can call it that, did give me something to think about. Yeah, maybe it's my mood in the morning but w/e. It's most probably the riddlin that i took which makes me want to change (another post). Enough of this, since I didn't know about Lent until waking up, and I jacked it before going to sleep at 1:00am, here are the options of things I can do that I haven't absolved in just yet.
- Women (haha)
The Internet (For other than school).- Television
- Actually do my shit?
- Random Site
Well? Im going to do the same. To try and help me this will be the thing I am " giving up". But to also give a sense of giving something up I'll give up another random site, (After realizing i spent abnormal amounts of time on a previous site I autobanned myself for a month).(about 10 minutes of me thinking have just passed) Alright even though i already went to reddit today, and subsequently learned lent was today, that's what I'm going to giveup in lieu of that's where I waste a lot of my time and my Lent is to help me out.
February 24, 2009
Inspiration
I might have just gotten the inspiration i needed. Today my friend asked me if i was going to pick him up to go rock climb, and i cancelled the plans because i really felt pretty groggy and thought there was no way i was going to be at the top of my game. Then there was also the nagging thought of price, rock climbing costs 13 dollars for a day without a membership, something i do not have. This is an indoor climbing gym.
Well when i was talking to him now, with the idea of climbing now that i felt good ( it had slipped my mind that i totally canceled on plans). I talked the usual IM talk that i do with half sentences that dont really make sense but do in my current mind. I dont talk in paragraphs at a time but thoughts, so sometimes my thought train gets onto the IM. Well it turns out my friend couldnt rock climb now because of a migraine, and through my half thoughts thought i was giving him shit about that. Now i can see how he would get mad, seeing as to him i was giving him shit for cancelling plans while not more than 4 hours ago i did the same. But in this rage he went through he told me what he really thought.
Sure a lot of it was going out of a mind being ridden by a migraine, but he told me how it was bullshit that i was canceling on plans and how i had done it three times before. Honestly it got me to thinking that i need to change being lazy. i need to do my shit. But honestly how do i keep this mindset? as long as everything is alright im just going to forget about this tomorrow. Also im starting to realize that saying stuff and having no one read it does actually suck. I know i made this with that in mind but sometimes it feels good to know that your telling someone.
Well when i was talking to him now, with the idea of climbing now that i felt good ( it had slipped my mind that i totally canceled on plans). I talked the usual IM talk that i do with half sentences that dont really make sense but do in my current mind. I dont talk in paragraphs at a time but thoughts, so sometimes my thought train gets onto the IM. Well it turns out my friend couldnt rock climb now because of a migraine, and through my half thoughts thought i was giving him shit about that. Now i can see how he would get mad, seeing as to him i was giving him shit for cancelling plans while not more than 4 hours ago i did the same. But in this rage he went through he told me what he really thought.
Sure a lot of it was going out of a mind being ridden by a migraine, but he told me how it was bullshit that i was canceling on plans and how i had done it three times before. Honestly it got me to thinking that i need to change being lazy. i need to do my shit. But honestly how do i keep this mindset? as long as everything is alright im just going to forget about this tomorrow. Also im starting to realize that saying stuff and having no one read it does actually suck. I know i made this with that in mind but sometimes it feels good to know that your telling someone.
Slacker
Yeah, i didn't get anything done today. I did in fact fall asleep, and not wake up to finish my shit. oh fucking well. Maybe i'll get some done tonight. Actually i think i'll go rock climbing with a buddy of mine.
Pilot
I thought i wanted to be a pilot. That would really be cool. It seemed so exciting and i would get to see new places.
Then i realized, just as with any other job, that they don't just let any fuckhead fly a million dollar piece of equipment with peoples lives, and not to mention the companies standing as a safe aviation company, in their hands. It requires dedication, long flight school, and perfect vision.
The vision part is something i definitely wouldn't pass unless i get laser eye surgery.
Honestly? What i really want to do is travel. I want to work at a job that takes me to different parts of the world constantly. Yeah, theres flight attendant, but my pride would never let me do a job like that. Air Marshal would actually be pretty appealing, but without even googling that i know, just as with the pilot, they don't let any fucker get onto a plane with a gun. You probably first have to be a federal agent for a little while before they even THINK of letting you do that. Not to mention the physical requirements.
fuck. Now im tired and thinking of sleeping for 2 hours then waking up. According to my track record this definitely will not be happening and it's stupid for me to think so. But oh well, at least ill read the two chapters from the book i have to have read before tomorrow at 12 anyway.
ahh FML (Fuck My Life)
Then i realized, just as with any other job, that they don't just let any fuckhead fly a million dollar piece of equipment with peoples lives, and not to mention the companies standing as a safe aviation company, in their hands. It requires dedication, long flight school, and perfect vision.
The vision part is something i definitely wouldn't pass unless i get laser eye surgery.
Honestly? What i really want to do is travel. I want to work at a job that takes me to different parts of the world constantly. Yeah, theres flight attendant, but my pride would never let me do a job like that. Air Marshal would actually be pretty appealing, but without even googling that i know, just as with the pilot, they don't let any fucker get onto a plane with a gun. You probably first have to be a federal agent for a little while before they even THINK of letting you do that. Not to mention the physical requirements.
fuck. Now im tired and thinking of sleeping for 2 hours then waking up. According to my track record this definitely will not be happening and it's stupid for me to think so. But oh well, at least ill read the two chapters from the book i have to have read before tomorrow at 12 anyway.
ahh FML (Fuck My Life)
February 23, 2009
Headache
Yeah, you guessed it. I found the syllabus. I noticed i needed a new book to write 2 journal entries on ( which are due tomorrow at 12). I went out and bought that book.
Did i get started on the actual assignment? No I did not. Instead i watched Chuck and Heroes, both of which are an hour long so i wasted 2 hours in that.
Guess what now? I do in fact sitll have 12 hours to finish, not including sleep, which could be enough time. But as the title says, i have a fucking headache. I'll try to lay down though, but if i fall asleep it's over.
Every time I go to sleep and try to wake up early to finish work before school it always goes awry. ALWAYS. I'll keep pressing snooze on my cell phone, which has worked once except i snoozed it around an hour after my initial wake up time. Other than that i'll attempt to snooze and accidentally turn the alarm off, which puts me at the mercy of when i wake up.
The worst part is i never learn. As soon as i get tired tonight i will probably think " alright sleep 4 hours then wake up" but it won't happen. It never does.
I should do that "practice waking up" thing where you set an alarm for 10 minutes, lay on your bed and feel like your sleeping, then as soon as you hear the alarm you stretch, get out of bed andgo about your business. Hopefully that will help me if i decide to actually do it.
Did i get started on the actual assignment? No I did not. Instead i watched Chuck and Heroes, both of which are an hour long so i wasted 2 hours in that.
Guess what now? I do in fact sitll have 12 hours to finish, not including sleep, which could be enough time. But as the title says, i have a fucking headache. I'll try to lay down though, but if i fall asleep it's over.
Every time I go to sleep and try to wake up early to finish work before school it always goes awry. ALWAYS. I'll keep pressing snooze on my cell phone, which has worked once except i snoozed it around an hour after my initial wake up time. Other than that i'll attempt to snooze and accidentally turn the alarm off, which puts me at the mercy of when i wake up.
The worst part is i never learn. As soon as i get tired tonight i will probably think " alright sleep 4 hours then wake up" but it won't happen. It never does.
I should do that "practice waking up" thing where you set an alarm for 10 minutes, lay on your bed and feel like your sleeping, then as soon as you hear the alarm you stretch, get out of bed andgo about your business. Hopefully that will help me if i decide to actually do it.
How's your studying going?
This one question, posed by my sister, has made me feel worse than, actually fuck it i didn' make this to be articulate and im not in a very articulate mood. To make things short, i am a fucking slacker. whenever i have something to do, i always put it off. "ill do it after i mess around on the internet a bit". And usually, i end up clicking random links, taking me to different sites that are taking me further and further away from what i'm suppose to be doing. Studying.
I mean fuck, i woke up early just to study. I woke up around 10am, which really isn't that early but it's earlier than i usually wake up. I do not have a handle on my shit. i usuall end up having to do things last minute and i hate it. Im taking two classes because i had to withdraw from the third since it's too much. actually im not even withdrawing, that time slot has passed. I have to fail the class, then retake it. Its the same thing as if i would have had a withdraw, but now instead of having 10 retakable credits ill have something along the lines of three.
That means that next year when im taking even harder classes, if i fuck up just once it will have a devastating effect on my gpa since i wont be able to retake it and have the second grade over-write the first. what the fuck is wrong with me? I really need to get my shit together, but it seems that every time i try and say i will, i fal back into the same routine. I need something life changing.
I need something to spark me out of my slacker lazy routine. What do you think i should be doing right now? Instead im trying to let my feelings out. While that may seem like a good priority, it really shouldn't be. ARGGHH
Lemme give a small example, the same thing just happened. As i wrote " it really shouldn't be" i told myself "alright, as soon as i submit im going to find my syllabus so i can figure out what im suppose to be doing." then you know what i did? i put off submiting this. i went to another site and told myself " alright before i do that ill check up on some stuff".. fuuuuck. I put off putting something off in a sense.
Do you want to know what time is like for my slacker self?
This is the reason i want to try psychedelics. I have heard it can sometimes turn people's lives around. If i use it i will actually *realize* what i am doing and how destructive it is. As it is i merely realize what is happening, and i don't give a shit untill time is short and i think "fuck i better get this done"
And you know what the kicker is? Recently i havnt been able to get it done in the timeframe. i tell myself i will, but just as i told myself i would start working when i click submit i probably wont. More recently my fucking sister had to help me with an assignment. I need to get my life together.
Also as soon as i click submit i will go get my syllabus from wherever it is to figure out what i have to do. Sadly as soon as i do ill probly fuck around for a little bit before even starting.
And i know i know ( I'm assuming there's actually people reading this and commenting, it gives my writing a purpose rather than just soulsearching) people will say "just sit doiwn, stop thinking like that, and get a new mindset.
Well a new mindset is ridiculously hard to get when you wake up everymorning the same way.
I need motivation. PPS im going to ADD to find stuff on gaining motivation before i click submit and force myself to find that syllabus, it's happening again.
*Alright i finished that but i realized im pretty cold, and want to take a short bath. BUT I only get to take that bath once i find the syllabus. Maybe a little bit at a time is the key maybe not. I'll post on motivation later.
I mean fuck, i woke up early just to study. I woke up around 10am, which really isn't that early but it's earlier than i usually wake up. I do not have a handle on my shit. i usuall end up having to do things last minute and i hate it. Im taking two classes because i had to withdraw from the third since it's too much. actually im not even withdrawing, that time slot has passed. I have to fail the class, then retake it. Its the same thing as if i would have had a withdraw, but now instead of having 10 retakable credits ill have something along the lines of three.
That means that next year when im taking even harder classes, if i fuck up just once it will have a devastating effect on my gpa since i wont be able to retake it and have the second grade over-write the first. what the fuck is wrong with me? I really need to get my shit together, but it seems that every time i try and say i will, i fal back into the same routine. I need something life changing.
I need something to spark me out of my slacker lazy routine. What do you think i should be doing right now? Instead im trying to let my feelings out. While that may seem like a good priority, it really shouldn't be. ARGGHH
Lemme give a small example, the same thing just happened. As i wrote " it really shouldn't be" i told myself "alright, as soon as i submit im going to find my syllabus so i can figure out what im suppose to be doing." then you know what i did? i put off submiting this. i went to another site and told myself " alright before i do that ill check up on some stuff".. fuuuuck. I put off putting something off in a sense.
Do you want to know what time is like for my slacker self?
- x:10 "Alright you should really get started, maybe a little more
- x:25 "Shit it's already at the 25, lets just wait till the 30 to do the task"
- x:35 "crap time is running out it's almost (x+1)"
- x:45 "Shit, well it's so close to (x+1) that i might as well just start at (x+1)
- goto x:10 except x is now (x+1)
This is the reason i want to try psychedelics. I have heard it can sometimes turn people's lives around. If i use it i will actually *realize* what i am doing and how destructive it is. As it is i merely realize what is happening, and i don't give a shit untill time is short and i think "fuck i better get this done"
And you know what the kicker is? Recently i havnt been able to get it done in the timeframe. i tell myself i will, but just as i told myself i would start working when i click submit i probably wont. More recently my fucking sister had to help me with an assignment. I need to get my life together.
Also as soon as i click submit i will go get my syllabus from wherever it is to figure out what i have to do. Sadly as soon as i do ill probly fuck around for a little bit before even starting.
And i know i know ( I'm assuming there's actually people reading this and commenting, it gives my writing a purpose rather than just soulsearching) people will say "just sit doiwn, stop thinking like that, and get a new mindset.
Well a new mindset is ridiculously hard to get when you wake up everymorning the same way.
I need motivation. PPS im going to ADD to find stuff on gaining motivation before i click submit and force myself to find that syllabus, it's happening again.
*Alright i finished that but i realized im pretty cold, and want to take a short bath. BUT I only get to take that bath once i find the syllabus. Maybe a little bit at a time is the key maybe not. I'll post on motivation later.
Things About me: Good Friends
In middle school i was really quite abnormal. I would spend lunches in the library reading, and would not socialize almost at all. The socializing i did was on a DC++(Filesharing program). The hub i spent my time on also acted as a channel that had people i could talk to in it. There was magic marker, the owner. I never really got to know her but i did know she was in a relationship with a second user.
Maniac_Depressive_Santa was that user. He acted as the dysfunctional father to the group. occasionally he helped me with some random task i was trying to do on my computer. Last i remember it was me trying to create 250 folders to organize Manga. He made a script that created them for me, and it also named the folders too.
Then there was Quadra, a teacher of some sort. He was the last of the hub that i have had contact with. This was due to my playing Guild Wars, and seeing someone with the name "Quadra"
trying to sell some sort of item. I Messaged him and we conversed a bit but we really didnt have that much in common. The hub was mainly for people to make comments and have short conversations, never to really get to know one another.
Then there was x. Not exactly the letter, but a character you would get with Alt+025 or something like that. He was like the cousin who i had some things in common with, but would rarely talk to. He was really pretty odd. Through him i got to know xchan, and more noticeably the random board. That never really changed my life, but it was a way to waste time. Really, he was the person who corrupted me.
There were more people but in that age when i would only watch anime and stay in my room they acted as my family. I wish i would have not been so isolated and tried to have a social life instead of fucking around on DC++. what i would give to go back in time with my current body and re-enact those years. I look like im 16 but am actually 20, so really that would work.
So i've asserted that i was a shut-in, now to the good friends. While i was in band, i met my first two friends in middle school. Mike and matt. These two people introduced me to swimming. swimming made me learn that it wasnt good to stray from the pact ( things such as not wearing a speedo, and instead jammers was looked upon as weird). This was the first time i experienced expectations of my peers, and coaches, and i tried vigorously to meet them. I did not want to lose my friends. When the coach told us to make a certain base in under a certain time, i did not want to let my friends down, since we would all have to swim.
All of this i think made me a better person. Even though today i realize that these two friends may not have liked me as much as i'd like to think they did, they resulted in e being an altogether happier person. In highschool i met other friends due to my swim team, and all of this was possible because of them. So what makes good friends? I still think of them as good friends because they helped me so much, but it was also not their intention. I later found out that they insisted i join because their coach told them they needed more people in my age group.
While that was a lot later i did feel betrayed. All that time i felt as if these griends had this life changing effect on me, and i learned that it wasnt even their intention.
What makes a good friend? in their defense, this was middle school and friendships really revolved around unimportant things such as popularity, clothes, and such bullshit things. Yeah, i'd like to think of them as that since they helped me so much.
Maniac_Depressive_Santa was that user. He acted as the dysfunctional father to the group. occasionally he helped me with some random task i was trying to do on my computer. Last i remember it was me trying to create 250 folders to organize Manga. He made a script that created them for me, and it also named the folders too.
Then there was Quadra, a teacher of some sort. He was the last of the hub that i have had contact with. This was due to my playing Guild Wars, and seeing someone with the name "Quadra"
trying to sell some sort of item. I Messaged him and we conversed a bit but we really didnt have that much in common. The hub was mainly for people to make comments and have short conversations, never to really get to know one another.
Then there was x. Not exactly the letter, but a character you would get with Alt+025 or something like that. He was like the cousin who i had some things in common with, but would rarely talk to. He was really pretty odd. Through him i got to know xchan, and more noticeably the random board. That never really changed my life, but it was a way to waste time. Really, he was the person who corrupted me.
There were more people but in that age when i would only watch anime and stay in my room they acted as my family. I wish i would have not been so isolated and tried to have a social life instead of fucking around on DC++. what i would give to go back in time with my current body and re-enact those years. I look like im 16 but am actually 20, so really that would work.
So i've asserted that i was a shut-in, now to the good friends. While i was in band, i met my first two friends in middle school. Mike and matt. These two people introduced me to swimming. swimming made me learn that it wasnt good to stray from the pact ( things such as not wearing a speedo, and instead jammers was looked upon as weird). This was the first time i experienced expectations of my peers, and coaches, and i tried vigorously to meet them. I did not want to lose my friends. When the coach told us to make a certain base in under a certain time, i did not want to let my friends down, since we would all have to swim.
All of this i think made me a better person. Even though today i realize that these two friends may not have liked me as much as i'd like to think they did, they resulted in e being an altogether happier person. In highschool i met other friends due to my swim team, and all of this was possible because of them. So what makes good friends? I still think of them as good friends because they helped me so much, but it was also not their intention. I later found out that they insisted i join because their coach told them they needed more people in my age group.
While that was a lot later i did feel betrayed. All that time i felt as if these griends had this life changing effect on me, and i learned that it wasnt even their intention.
What makes a good friend? in their defense, this was middle school and friendships really revolved around unimportant things such as popularity, clothes, and such bullshit things. Yeah, i'd like to think of them as that since they helped me so much.
First
This is the first blog I have ever made. I created it with the intention of no one I know in real life ever finding it. If you happened to get here and manage to see through the spelling errors I do not care to fix, inconsistencies in logic, and ramblings you might get to know the real me. That being said, this blog is for me. It is a journal to express myself to someone/something as I do not with my friends and family. Maybe it will help me in that aspect, maybe not. The second reason is to improve my writing, hopefully writing something, no matter how much, will help me in that aspect.
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