I mean fuck, i woke up early just to study. I woke up around 10am, which really isn't that early but it's earlier than i usually wake up. I do not have a handle on my shit. i usuall end up having to do things last minute and i hate it. Im taking two classes because i had to withdraw from the third since it's too much. actually im not even withdrawing, that time slot has passed. I have to fail the class, then retake it. Its the same thing as if i would have had a withdraw, but now instead of having 10 retakable credits ill have something along the lines of three.
That means that next year when im taking even harder classes, if i fuck up just once it will have a devastating effect on my gpa since i wont be able to retake it and have the second grade over-write the first. what the fuck is wrong with me? I really need to get my shit together, but it seems that every time i try and say i will, i fal back into the same routine. I need something life changing.
I need something to spark me out of my slacker lazy routine. What do you think i should be doing right now? Instead im trying to let my feelings out. While that may seem like a good priority, it really shouldn't be. ARGGHH
Lemme give a small example, the same thing just happened. As i wrote " it really shouldn't be" i told myself "alright, as soon as i submit im going to find my syllabus so i can figure out what im suppose to be doing." then you know what i did? i put off submiting this. i went to another site and told myself " alright before i do that ill check up on some stuff".. fuuuuck. I put off putting something off in a sense.
Do you want to know what time is like for my slacker self?
- x:10 "Alright you should really get started, maybe a little more
- x:25 "Shit it's already at the 25, lets just wait till the 30 to do the task"
- x:35 "crap time is running out it's almost (x+1)"
- x:45 "Shit, well it's so close to (x+1) that i might as well just start at (x+1)
- goto x:10 except x is now (x+1)
This is the reason i want to try psychedelics. I have heard it can sometimes turn people's lives around. If i use it i will actually *realize* what i am doing and how destructive it is. As it is i merely realize what is happening, and i don't give a shit untill time is short and i think "fuck i better get this done"
And you know what the kicker is? Recently i havnt been able to get it done in the timeframe. i tell myself i will, but just as i told myself i would start working when i click submit i probably wont. More recently my fucking sister had to help me with an assignment. I need to get my life together.
Also as soon as i click submit i will go get my syllabus from wherever it is to figure out what i have to do. Sadly as soon as i do ill probly fuck around for a little bit before even starting.
And i know i know ( I'm assuming there's actually people reading this and commenting, it gives my writing a purpose rather than just soulsearching) people will say "just sit doiwn, stop thinking like that, and get a new mindset.
Well a new mindset is ridiculously hard to get when you wake up everymorning the same way.
I need motivation. PPS im going to ADD to find stuff on gaining motivation before i click submit and force myself to find that syllabus, it's happening again.
*Alright i finished that but i realized im pretty cold, and want to take a short bath. BUT I only get to take that bath once i find the syllabus. Maybe a little bit at a time is the key maybe not. I'll post on motivation later.
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